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© 2008 gdjock@yahoo.com
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
The Ghost Of Me
Almost 12.41am 8/8

I'm now at Abe's room, and to this moment, and I'm 33 hours without sleeping. I'm not actually feeling sleepy, just a little bit tired. Maybe, I will go straight to 48 hours without sleep.

I don't understand it, but the sensation of being a let down is yet to sink in. I realized that my future will be totally bleak, and I will disappoint a whole lot of people, but there's just a pinch of guilt striding my pace. Maybe I've been disappointed so many times; I'm actually anesthetized with disappointment. My heart was broken into pieces and self-fixed so often, it had scarred for eternity. The scars taught me on how to deal with a lot of things; it had grown layers of solid stainless colossus that blanketed my soul into a cold numb person.

Currently my mind is at all over the place with back-up plans and choices, calculating and scheming the break out of this disaster. I will put my life on hold forever, and this boy is abiding rules no more. I'm tired of dreaming and praying all day long, although the trust's still there, this battered soul can't take the beating of fate no more. Personally I think praying make me weak, the yearning feeling often left me hopeless and worthless, and although I know that there's no guarantee that the entreat will be answered, I linger and wait for any slightest ray of sanctify.

It's amusing to acknowledge my failure to identify my self in the closet of guilty party. Clearly there's no mirror around when I assemble the suspect row for my catastrophe. Blaming somebody else seems more painless yet it’s clear that I am the one who fail. I keep telling myself that somehow there's some kind of outer forces that lead me to dead end every road I turn. I have to declare myself that I am the cause of all failure of now my rotten so-called life. Yet it's painful to comprehend that I'm all alone shouldering these entire burdens, and the sentiment that I was forsaken by the One I know watching me all these time.

Just to let You know that I'm promiscuous of all things thrown at me. I know I'm ungrateful, but deeply suppressed in the back of my mind; I'm still aching for miracle to take the wheel. Please give me my prerogative to live peacefully.
posted at 9:14 PM  
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~ Unknown

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~ Maya Angelou

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