It is safe to say that my life right now is way not under control. Deep down I feel like I'm free falling into pit less ravine. Well nothing new there. But this time I feel like I need to get 'sober'. Well let me analyze myself first...
This is how I put it.
Basically I think I need discipline. And I'm the worst self-discipline person I know. I need to be disciplined by some other force, like other person enforcing discipline to my self, and I think I'm starting to talk in circle, and I need to stop.
When I was young, I have my mom. She is a wonderful person, the most powerful force in my life. She once referred that I am her favorite child, although I think that it's not fair to my other siblings. As a young boy, I was afraid of her coz hell halt no fury like a scorn woman, whatever it mean. I always push myself to be the Best for her coz at that stage there's no other way other than that. I am the first child, so I've been through pretty much all with my parents. And I love my dad too although we stop talking pretty much since I'm reaching my teen age. I actually didn't mind coz I guess it's the way we roil in my family, where all the guys show tough love to their family. The man in my family pretty much a silent brooding kinda people, where we only monosyllables Q&A to each other. And my father is one fierce person. You are worthless if he's mad at you. It's safe to say that my parents is my discipline enforcer.
Then I was enrolled into a boarding school where discipline is the shit. Everything is time coded. I need to wake up, eat, study, play and shit at a certain time. It's fine by me coz there's no other way, and I'm not so much of a rebel.
After finishing the secondary school with flying colours nonetheless, I enrolled into a university where I met my new found freedom. There's no time constraint, and I can do anything as I please.
This is where I lost it. I was like a lose cannon. I tried everything I want, experimenting on life and what it has to offer.
I lost my interest to write, so I think I better stop here.
Labels: moments, rant