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keep it real! I'm front'n
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© 2008 gdjock@yahoo.com
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
stop and stare

I read an article in the newspaper today about the unimaginable loss a man can endure - losing a child. It's heartwarming reading how people turn something so tragic into blissful blessing. While some people fortunate enough to find happiness after the aftermath, some people aren't so lucky.

I lost a cousin. That's the biggest blow I had so far. How do I deal with it? I don't.

I think the death of someone we dearly loved is like being stabbed at. It hurts so bad initially. So bad you think you might not survive it. But eventually the wound heals and what left is a scar as a reminder. Every now and then, you run your fingers over the scar and old memories of love and pain unrolled in your mind.

Sometimes in family gatherings, his name came up, and we keep on talking about it, nonchalantly hiding our drenched emotion inside. Or so I think. I don't know about others, but to this day, I still can not deal with his death. Mostly because of the guilt of not being there. The last time I saw him, he already slipped into coma. The fact that it was the day of raya made me think that the whole deal was so unfair. My grandma who always been his side told me to speak to him. "He can hear you" she said. I didn't say anything.

A few days after that, he died.

To this day, I hate the sterile smell of hospitals. It reminds me so much of him, of the last time we met.

The funeral was the hardest part. Everyone was there. It was the bitterest family reunion ever. I tried so hard not to cry, but when I couldn't hold it no more, I went into a corner and cry a little. I think grandma died that day too. She cried so hard, its painful to watch her hurting like that. All I could do was to hold her and whispered words of encouragements to her, but I think a dictionary-full of sweet words could never ease her pain. But she endured it no less coz she's the strongest woman on earth.

We arrived last at the graveyard. And today I finally get it. My dad intentionally lost his way so that we didn't have to see the final goodbye. For that, I thank you.

I never visited his tomb after that. I tried to forget him, and carry on, instead I hold on and hold still. I never been too far from that day.


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posted at 6:46 PM  

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Every Man For Himself

“Count your smiles instead of your tears; Count your courage instead of your fears.”

~ Unknown

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

~ Maya Angelou

“The secret of Happiness is Freedom, and the secret of Freedom, Courage.”

~ Thucydides

“Everything becomes a little bit different as soon as it is spoken out loud”

~ Hermann Hesse





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