"Alien vs Predator" is an autobiographical depiction of Chuck Norris' first sexual experience.
While Chuck Norris was on holiday in Spain, he ate some bad paella causing him to take the largest shit known to man. That shit is now France.
Instead of having a cigarette after sex, Chuck Norris heads outside and brands his cattle.
Chuck Norris doesn't break up with his girlfriends... He punches them in the vagina and they leave.
Chuck Norris had sex with a cigarette machine.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire watermelon, including the seeds, then grew an entire watermelon patch in his stomach which fed eleven families for six weeks.
In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck killed that man.
If you were to know Chuck Norris' true name, your mind would collapse upon itself.
A freak accident involving Chuck Norris and a severe thunderstorm turned an ordinary Total Gym (R) into Richard Dean Anderson, star of TV series "MacGyver". Scholars around the world maintain that this is the only known case of irony that is both situational and dramatic.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris is unable to send his roundhouse kicks across the fabric of time, however he IS able to perform this action across parallel dimentions and once, just for fun, roundhouse kicked his own ass.
Chuck Norris broke his own leg, purely for the sake of winning the special olympics.
Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
Don't say anything bad about Chuck Norris if you're near a lake, river, pond or marsh; otherwise he will come up out of the water with his AK-47 already firing.
Upon reading a fictitious story in his local tabloid, Chuck Norris ripped out the heart of its writer and used his blood to fertilize his lawn. To celebrate, Norris let Steven Seagal out of his cage and beat him mercilessly. Mr. T, who was also present, pitied the shit out of Segal. Norris then fucked your wife, and lit her body on fire using pure grain alcohol and bolts of lightning from his eyes.
When Neil Armstrong uttered "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind." on the moon in 1969, he failed to notice Chuck Norris sitting behind him in a lawnchair, a beer in hand, until Chuck Norris gave Armstrong a swift roundhouse kick to the face. Armstrong never returned.
There is a secret plot to clone the greatest Hollywood action movie stars in order to create an unbeatable army. The people behind this plot only need very small samples of DNA to work with. This is why so many action stars have very short haircuts, and some even go to the extent of shaving their heads to prevent the evil fiends from getting such a sample. Chuck Norris is the only one with the balls not only to grow his hair long, but also to cultivate facial hair. When he's feeling particularly cocky, he sends his toenail clippings to the evil syndicate's headquarters with a note: "Just try it, bitches, and I'll kick your asses into next Thursday."
Chuck Norris occasionally has Missing In Action flashbacks where he's escaping a Vietnam Prison and randomly starts killing Asians with his bare fist because thats the way Chuck rolls. You'll know when it's coming because Asians start flying through the air with random explosions, horrible subtitles will scroll your line of vision, and Chuck will run and hide in your mom's garden, finally stealing your Kia Sportage screaming, "Get in the Chopper" and lines like, "I'm Proud to be a Fucking American" after kicking your little sister in the face
The manliest man on Earth: Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops.
Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.
"One time I was with Norris in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. Norris goes up to the deer and says, 'I'm Chuck Norris! SAY IT!' Then he manipulates the deer's lips in such a way as to make it say, 'ChuckNorris' ... It wasn't exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer!'"
People created the automobile to escape from Chuck Norris...Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris created the automobile accident.
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks people in the face first and asks questions later.
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
Archeologists in India recently uncovered a new dinosaur. It’s actually many dinosaurs but one is in the middle of all the others. The one in the middle is believed to have killed the others with a single roundhouse kick to the face. The archeologists wanted to call it ChuckNorrisaurs but the Indian government changed the name to Himotosaurous because it’s simply not possible for Mr. Norris to be killed.
Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.
Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.
Chuck Norris successfully seperated twins conjoined at the head by roundkicking them in the face.
Dinosaurs went extinct because of the Chuck Norrisaurus.
People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply...Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris wears Orion's Belt around his pinky toe and he eats with the Big Dipper.
Chuck Norris eats lightning and farts thunder.
Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Chuck Norris is looking for it.
Chuck Norris was once a knight in King Arthur's court. He was known as Sir Beatdown.
Chuck Norris once played rugby by himself. He went undefeated. Chuck Norris once played rugby by himself. He went undefeated.
In Desert Storm the reason why the Iraqi army surrendered so quickly because they knew Chuck Norris was coming.
Chuck Norris has never looked a baby in the eyes cause it might him cry but if he does it also makes him want to punch a baby.
Chuck norris doesnt go at the speed of light, he goes at the speed of Norris
Chuck Norris does not know about this website. If he did he would have just deleted the internet.
Before sliced bread, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Chuck Norris". But Chuck Norris was displeased by this. So he roundhouse kicked a loaf of bread into slices.
Chuck Norris's sweat has burned holes in concrete.
The wind of Chuck Norris’s round house kick can be felt from 1600 million miles away
Chuck Norris has held the World Championship in every weight class at the same time.
There is no Control button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
Chuck Norris is so bad he makes viruses sick. As such, Chuck Norris is also responsible for the eradication of smallpox.
There are four legal methods of execution in the United States: lethal injection, gas chamber, electric chair and Chuck Norris.
Earth's emergency defence plan in case of alien invasion is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris stared evil in the face, and it backed down
Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands.
On the SAT if you put Chuck Norris for every answer you will score over 8000
The United States could save billions in defense funding if they trade the Military for Chuck Norris
When Chuck Norris spits out watermelon seeds, he puts a machine gun to shame
Chuck Norris doesnt use after shave, he uses liquid hot magma.
When Chuck norris found this web-site while surfing the internt, he round house kicked his computer...10 new facts were added instantly.including this one
You can lead a horse to water but cannot make him drink, unless you’re Chuck Norris
No matter what your mother always said, Chuck Norris can tune a fish.
Chuck Norris is '' The best a man can get ''
On Valentine's Day, Chuck Norris gives his wife the still beating heart of one of his enemies. Being very romantic, Chuck Norris believes every day should be Valentine's Day.
Scientists believe the world began with the "Big Bang". Chuck Norris shrugs it off as a "bad case of gas".
Chuck Norris let the dogs out.
Chuck Norris visits an active volcano every morning to get some of "the best damn espresso on Earth".
Chuck Norris eats eight meals a day. Seven are steak, and the last is the rest of the cow.
Chuck Norris does know what Willis is talking about!
Chuck Norris don't open no can of whoopass. He makes his own.
Chuck Norris could shoot someone and still have time to roundhouse kick him in the face before the bullet hit.
Chuck Norris's body temperature is 98.6 degrees... Celsius.
The world's fastest car has 7 gears. 5, 6, and Chuck Norris.
The active ingredient in Red Bull is Chuck Norris's sweat.
The Seven Wonders of the ancient world were: Chuck Norris' left and right hands, his left and right feet, his belly button, his liver, and his beard.
When Chuck Norris goes to Vegas, he doesn't have to gamble. The casinos just give him stacks of money.
In an emergency, Chuck Norris can be used as a floatation device.
When Chuck Norris is ready to wake up, he tells the sun to get the above the horizon.
The speed of light was instituted because Chuck Norris didn't want get winded outrunning it. Chuck Norris hates to sweat.
Chuck Norris once bench-pressed the entire state of Ohio, and all of its residents.
Chuck Norris can hold his breathe for nine years.
When somebody yells "Last one in is a rotten egg," Chuck Norris is never the rotten egg.
Chuck Norris invented the question mark.
Chuck Norris trick-or-treated as himself as a child.
Chuck Norris has 3 knees on each leg.
Chuck Norris likes long walks on the beach, Barry White music, Harlequin romance novels, songbirds, rainbows, and quiet time with his lady…just before he roundhouse kicks her in the face.
Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.
If you gave Chuck Norris a typewriter and 0.000000000000000000001th of a second he can write the Complete Works of Shakespeare
Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.
Chuck Norris' beard hair is believed to be an aphrodisiac in China.
The helicopter was invented after Chuck Norris was observed doing 8 roundhouse kicks a second.
Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.
Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with barbed wire.
Chuck Norris can watch an episode of 60 minutes in 22 seconds.
Chuck Norris make onions CRY!!!
Some people say that Chuck Norris is a myth. Those "some people" are now dead.
When Chuck Norris sneeze, he don't say "Atchoo" he says "DIE EVERYONE!!!". That's what happens next.
Chuck Norris eats a bowl of diamonds every morning.
Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb
Bully is to nerd as Chuck Norris is to Ryan Seacrest
(often incorrectly spelled Zinédine)(born June 23, 1972), popularly nicknamed Zizou (pronounced zi'zu), is a former French football player of Kabyle Algerian descent who has starred for both the French national team and for four European club teams, most recently Real Madrid.Zidane received international attention with two headed goals in the 1998 World Cup final against Brazil that essentially won his country's first ever FIFA World Cup title.However, in the recent Fifa World Cup, he got red carded after head-butting Italian player Marco Matterazzi. Whenever one thinks of Zinedine Zidane, this incident will probably be the first thing that comes to mind.One can be caught "pulling a Zinedine Zidane" after performing such an act.
"Easy buddy, don't go and pull a Zinedine Zidane on me..."
3. Zinedine Zidane
The sexual position of head-butting a woman's vagina.
Today is the 9th anniversary of the demise of my cousin. He passed away on the fifth day of Eid due to kidney infection. It was the worst day of my life. For the next few days, I was so sensitive, even a cheesy ballad could make me cry. It was so hard holding it together. During the doaselamat, I was barely able to read the yasin with my eyes flooded with tears.
I just got back from my hometown this morning and right now I'm in the office, alone.
Initiate flashback in 5..
I went back by train, which was great since I brought the first class ticket so I can sleep comfortably on the adjustable cushion chair, unlike the rigid plastic chair in the economy class which probably could rendered me paralysed from breaking my back. 7 hours later I arrived at my hometown, where I was picked up by my brother. My dad had to work that night. I brought out all my hariraya goodies from my bag, only to found out that the blouses that I bought for my mum was too small.
The next morning, I went for the hariraya prayers with my new bajumelayu. When I got back, my dad was home and my mum told me to pack up coz we were going to my great grand father's home. We arrived like 1 hour later and the house was not as noisy as the past years coz not everyone had returned yet. I think the demise of my great grand mother last June may reduced their motivation to return home early this morning.
As the day progressed, more relatives arrived, which multiplied the celebration atmosphere. Around 3 pm, my uncle, Ajit arrived with his wife and his sister, Ijan and her family. I was sleeping at that time but was awoken by the boisterous noise upon his arrival, and when I stepped out of the bedroom, he greeted me with mockery, which shattered the air with laughter. Embarrassed and still sleepy, I returned back to the bedroom and continue my journey to the dreamland.
Ajit was pretty much my older brother. I always looked up to him and in my eyes he is always the coolest guy ever. Sometimes we argued and like a big brother, he let me won. Our age difference is not that much far but he is just always seems older or wiser or cooler or something. When I was young, I always followed him around. Always wanted to do what he did, and always followed what he said. He will always forever be my captain. However over the years we went to separate ways and I guess we just disconnected. We met occasionally, during family gatherings and such.
This hariraya we pretty much talking about anything and everything. We usually laze around the veranda joining the older people talking bullshits. Now and then we went to the secluded area to smoke some pot. He even offered me to play his PSP, which was quite uncharacteristic of him because since we were kids, he shares everything but his toys. Kedekut!
I was pretty much the nanny for Ijan's 1 year old Daniel (picture). He was the cutest kid I ever see and damn friendly too. Y'see sometimes you meet kids who seems attached to their mother's tits, where any effort to cuddle them will trigger the ear splitting shriekings. Daniel is the opposite. He is unafraid to be hold by any stranger (well, except my dad), and he seems to like me and Ajit best. He will bursts into those bubbly giggle when I throw him up in the air or pretending to throw him out of the window. He even refused when I tried to pass him to other person, even to his mum. On the third day, Daniel greeted me when I woke up, and asked me to carry him around right away. I swear I still can smell his baby scent on my shirt.
This hariraya I spent quite a lot, most of it for duitraya since I am working. I also gave my dad my Dunhill watch coz I think he deserved at least that, and he seems pleased coz now he wear it everywhere. Before I depart to KL, I gave my mum some money promising more next time.
This year I will work hard, so I will have a car by the time of next year's raya so I can bring my family everywhere. I will probably pay a visit to Ajit and Ijan's family.
All in all, this is the bestraya, and I'm looking forward for next year.
Right now I'm sitting alone in the office, with hari raya songs blaring from my desktop waiting for tomorrow. It's the last day of fasting and tomorrow I will return to my hometown. Although I'm really tired and quite sleepy right now, I guess I better document my feelings right now. I spent $39 for a new Mohawk style hairstyle this evening. It was an arduous process. The hairstylist seemingly taken ages painstakingly sculpting my hair, where several time I dozed off. Although the result was not as awesome as I expected, but it will do. I spent hundreds shopping for new clothes. This year I have to buy my own baju melayu (coz I have my own paycheck), a deep olive green with reddish metallic effect on it with a matching gold threaded samping. This year I'm going big. I also brought a gym bag for my clothes and also an original Manchester United jersey that costs me $240. I almost regret buying that shirt. I brought a replica of Malaysian football jersey for my dad, blouses and tudungs for my mum and some more striped t-shirt for me. Like past years, I sent sms greetings for my close friends and I haven't finish yet. I only manage to get 3 days of vacation and I hope that I will celebrate my hari raya whole heartedly.
Just a couple minutes ago, first Malaysian in space blasted off from Kazakhstan. Everybody from Malaysia (and Borat probably) was glued to their tv sets to witness the history in the making. To Dr. Sheikh Muzsaphar Shukor, good luck and God Speed. (Aerosmith's I don't wanna miss a thing played on the background).
PostSecret is a website (and published books) that posts homemade postcards with their secrets on it. I think it set people free of their burdens of their secrets when they anonymously posts their secrets here, not to mention, people who have the kinks for reading other people's dirty laundry. I think it's great and helping in one way or another.
If you surf youtube, please look at dear sister clip originally made by snl casts and Shia Lebouf. It is actually a parody of the last episode of the O.C, where Marissa shot Trey and then that weird song came up. I looked up, and found that it is from Imogen Heap's Hide and Seek. Make sure you make a tribute of this event and post it to youtube and please use the same song. Mmmm..whatcha say.....
It is safe to say that my life right now is way not under control. Deep down I feel like I'm free falling into pit less ravine. Well nothing new there. But this time I feel like I need to get 'sober'. Well let me analyze myself first...
This is how I put it.
Basically I think I need discipline. And I'm the worst self-discipline person I know. I need to be disciplined by some other force, like other person enforcing discipline to my self, and I think I'm starting to talk in circle, and I need to stop.
When I was young, I have my mom. She is a wonderful person, the most powerful force in my life. She once referred that I am her favorite child, although I think that it's not fair to my other siblings. As a young boy, I was afraid of her coz hell halt no fury like a scorn woman, whatever it mean. I always push myself to be the Best for her coz at that stage there's no other way other than that. I am the first child, so I've been through pretty much all with my parents. And I love my dad too although we stop talking pretty much since I'm reaching my teen age. I actually didn't mind coz I guess it's the way we roil in my family, where all the guys show tough love to their family. The man in my family pretty much a silent brooding kinda people, where we only monosyllables Q&A to each other. And my father is one fierce person. You are worthless if he's mad at you. It's safe to say that my parents is my discipline enforcer.
Then I was enrolled into a boarding school where discipline is the shit. Everything is time coded. I need to wake up, eat, study, play and shit at a certain time. It's fine by me coz there's no other way, and I'm not so much of a rebel.
After finishing the secondary school with flying colours nonetheless, I enrolled into a university where I met my new found freedom. There's no time constraint, and I can do anything as I please.
This is where I lost it. I was like a lose cannon. I tried everything I want, experimenting on life and what it has to offer.
I lost my interest to write, so I think I better stop here.