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Thursday, February 26, 2009

This is what really happened.

Kepada member arwah Z yang aku rasa cam pernah terserempak masa tapisan keselamatan,

Aku antara bebudak Chambers yang ada ngan arwah during his last moments. In fact, i was one of the 3 people whom tried to revive arwah when he collapsed outside badminton hall. Bila aku baca blog korang, aku rasa nak share saat2 terakhir dan apa yang benar2 berlaku pada hari tu. Banyak sangat version cerita sampai tahap mengarut pun ader gak. So, sebagai org yang berada kat situ, aku nak berkongsi apa yg benar2 berlaku. In fact, i was only able to talk bout this after so many times i broke down on that fateful day.

Arwah Z memang suka main sukan. badminton was his last game. walaupun dia reserved and the team had already won, arwah requested nak main gak. So, he played single. Almost perfect game. Every tricks, drop yg dia buat, semuer nya almost 8.5 -9 out of 10. he wont 1st set. Muka kewl giler tapi bila kat luar court tercungap2. Kitorang stopped him from playing in 2nd set walaupun dia leading. Arwah dah nampak cam takder angin. Siap joking, "aku takder angin ler...nampak bintang!"

Kitorang suh dia duduk, kibas2kan angin guna towel n suh dia bukak kasut. Arwah joked lagi: "aku terasa cam pengantin laik, kena kipas2 camni". Lepas tu, bila tengok arwah dah ok sket, bleh berjalan, one of the seniors suruh arwah gi ambik fresh air kat luar. En Din gi temankan arwah.

Aku nya game tak start lagi, tengah jejalan tetiber nampak En Din (crawling on the floor) bukak pintu mintak tolong dia. Aku ingat ker suh tolong angkat barang ker apa...tengok2, nampak arwah Z dah terbaring atas pool of 100plus on the floor. Ingat ker dia kena asthma attack or fit! So, me n en din baringkan arwah betul2, regangkan kedua-dua jari2 arwah, bukak mulut so that he can breathe properly. Masa tu semuer org stopped playing and was outside the hall with us. Anas held arwah's head, looked at me n En Din saying that arwah wasnt breathing. At that moment, we just had to whatever we can. Revive arwah in whatever means we have. Aku tak terfikir langsung that u were almost gone at that moment. Aku cuma buat apa yang termampu untuk selamatkan arwah. Buat CPR.... anas buat kiraan, en din buat mouth to mouth CPR, aku tekan jantung arwah. Hanya Allah sahaja yang tau apa yg kitorang rasa masa tu... We never gave up on you, Z! We kept pumping air to you, 5-6 times. Calling out your name. To be with us no matter what.

Andy came with his car. Drove like madness to Selangor Medical Centre. Bila aku tengok arwah dah masukkan dalam keta, aku turned back and saw few girls started crying. Depa kata kaki arwah dah sejuk. Nampak lifeless. Then, reality hits me...I've lost arwah..I collapsed n broke down.

Bila sampai kat SMC, diorang kata docs tengah mencuba. Aku tak fikir apa2 hanya mampu berdoa dan hopefully miracle would happen. After few moments of waiting, it felt like a terrible nightmare happening slowly in front of my eyes. A team-mate ran towards me crying. The only words I heard before aku collapsed n broke down were: "He passed away..He didnt make it."

Hati aku cam dirobak2...aku ilang sorang ofis-mate, team-mate, junior officer yg aku selalu panggil "boss" sebab dia panggil aku camtu gak dan seorang kawan yang baik. Walaupun kitorang tak lepak sangat, tapi kitorang keje pagi petang sesama kat international affairs division. Tukus lumus layan tensen keje sesama.... Apa2 hal, i treated him like my own brother.

Pemergian arwah Z adalah suatu kehilangan yang kami semua rasai kat ofis ni. Hampir satu ofis pergi raub untuk pay our last respect to arwah. I was glad that i talked to your mom personally bout your last moments with us. How extremely grateful we are to have arwah Z as our officemate. And how determined we are to win that badminton tournament for you, Arwah Ahmad Zulkamal Shahrir. May you rest in peace, Al-Fatihah.

-Words in Memorial-
Norsharin Alias aka Ayin
Officemate, badminton team-mate n friend of

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posted at 5:02 PM   0 comments
Monday, February 23, 2009
I'm not there

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there,
I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight
On the ripened grain.
I am the gentle Autumn's rain.
When you awaken in the morning hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there.
I did not die.
My Spirit is still alive…

-- Hopi prayer

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posted at 12:10 AM   0 comments
Sunday, February 22, 2009
My Immortal

My heart is heavy. I still can't grasp the crushing reality. Last night I was numbed with the news that you are gone. At some point I refuse to believe it, hoping that it was one of sick joke people always played on me. My heart shattered into thousands of splinters, forming a lump of mass that makes me hard to swallow the ugly reality.

Silently I cried in my sleep for your honor. For your friendship that means a world to me. For taking in my sick jokes and giving it back right into my face. For understanding me and having my back when times weren't so nice to me.

Man it's really hard for me to accept this. I imagine it must be harder for the other guys. From now on there will always be an infinite void among us. The brotherhood will never be the same again. I'm sorry that I wasn't there at your funeral. I secretly hope that I was there, but I'm not sure that I'm strong enough. Man, I can't believe this.

Although I cherish your memories, I wish that you would just leave. I wish that you stop haunting me although most of the time, I secretly hope that I can feel your presence. Just come for a minute and say that you forgive me for my silly childish grudge. And tell me that you're ok and in peace with what fate has decide on you. Fucking tell me that you too cherish our friendship and the awesome time we spent together. Don't leave me hanging bro.

I promise you that I'll visit you, some other time when it's not too hard to see with tears in my eyes. Rest in peace, the most awesomest pirate in the world. Arrrr....

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posted at 11:21 PM   0 comments

I woke up this morning with short breaths, which is weird because I never have that before. Maybe it was cold last night, or my coughing, or something else. After lunch and a couple of cancer sticks, everything seems normal again.

Later, right after I got home from my daily workouts, I got the message that shook the ground under my feet. My friend passed away. I couldn't believe my eyes. Immediately I was swarmed with confusing emotions. I was sad, but I was mad too.

I called my friend who gave me the text. He said that my friend died from a heart attack this morning while playing badminton with his friends. It feels like my senses betrayed me as I couldn't believe my ears. Heart attack? That is just ridiculous. I called my other friends to relay the news and they were as shocked as me.

Ahmad Zulkamal Shahrir, or as affectionately called, Doyok by close friends was my classmate in form 4 and 5. We sat next to each other for the whole two years and he was one cool, popular guy. Basically he was my stepping stone into the social clique because before that I was a selfish total nerd. I was riding on his tail coat the whole time until I could established myself as one of the player.

After school ended, I barely see him, but sometimes when we do, we were best buddies again. We went to different directions. He was a lawyer at an AG chamber, and I went to this dead end. Sometimes last year, something happened and I secretly began to despise him. I cut all contacts with my old schoolmates, ignoring all invitations and whatnots. I guess I just need some time to heal. But clearly, I just wasted the time I had. My heart's aching. I regretted my douchebaggerish actions, but yet I failed to recognize it everysinglefuckingtime. I'm trippin so bad.

His funeral is tomorrow's morning, but I ain't going. I'm not burying my brother.

Doyok, rest in peace bro. Gonna miss you. Al-Fatihah...

I still feel such a sorrow every time I look at this picture.

Update: One of Zulkamal's friend commented on this post, and told me what really happened.
"On the contrary, it wasnt really a heart attack whilst he was playing badminton. It was actually a brain hemorrhage due to blood rush. He didnt collapse at the badminton court. It was after he was stopped from playing, standing outside to take fresh air.

Doc said arwah was like a walking time bomb. It was unfortunate that it happened at that moment. Nonetheless, he passed away peacefully, without any pain and surrounded by loving, caring friends.

Even at his funeral, close friends, colleagues, bosses were there to pay their last respect.

Dont take your life for granted. No matter how stressful it can be, take some time to rest well."

Thanks Sharin for the correction. Would you please give me you email or your number? I need to talk to you. Thanks.

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posted at 2:42 AM   5 comments
Sunday, February 08, 2009
This is old news, but I love this animation very much.


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posted at 7:25 PM   2 comments

I planned to stay for Chinese New Year despite a rare four days break from work. Other than the independent gene I probably inherit from my father, I am on tight budget, which was why I decided to have a quality time in solitary. A few days earlier, my sister called me to ask whether I will return home because my family are staying at my great-gramps house for a kenduri. I told her that I'm not. Then a couple of days later, my grandmother called to say hi. She asked the same question and I gave her the same answer.

After the call I my mind wrestled to reconsider my earlier decision. Throwing logic thinking and cautions in the wind, I ended boarding a very late night bus to JB. Then I went straight to Pontian in the morning after a night stay at my uncles. I was beyond tired because I didn't get enough sleep, mainly because my night was disturbed by a very loud Persian cat in heat - her partner died a month ago, so she need to satisfy her female urges, ON ME!

I reached my great gramps house and my big fat family were surprised. They were preparing the dishes and souvenirs for the kenduri, and I ended up flaming the satays, all 1500 of them.

After that, I took my mom, my brother and my grandma to the town, had some drinks and food, and brought my grandma a rice cooker because she's not keen with her current 'too modern' rice cooker. Then we went back just before the kenduri started. And I (ahem) slept during the kenduri.

The next day I had to take the KL bound bus because there was no Seremban bound bus left.

I'm broke, but it worth it, as long as my family is happy.

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posted at 5:28 PM   1 comments
Friday, February 06, 2009
Yuna Room Records

I came across this myspace music page after reading an article about it in the newspaper. Usually I don't give a damn about indie music, cause most of the time, they tend to have more attitude than actually being talented. This girl, Yuna, however seems to have some sort of enigma surrounding her. I gave her music a try, and I totally love it. She sounds like Feist, without being pretentiously kooky.

Anyway, check her music here. You wont be disappointed.


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posted at 10:09 AM   0 comments

Every Man For Himself

“Count your smiles instead of your tears; Count your courage instead of your fears.”

~ Unknown

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

~ Maya Angelou

“The secret of Happiness is Freedom, and the secret of Freedom, Courage.”

~ Thucydides

“Everything becomes a little bit different as soon as it is spoken out loud”

~ Hermann Hesse

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